FARHANAH

My family gonna be separated and left us partly away..

2011-12-09T02:45:00.001-08:00

My family gonna be separated and maybe not gonna be the used we are.. Changes are here for my family.. All of us have to sacrifice if God really fated for us... Atok Omar and wife gonna stay with us.. Which means kakak and abg in law have to shift out from our house.., its too complicated to explain everything.. But then all in Dad's hands.. If daddy wanna take them in.. We have to separates.. Even though im and sis really disagree about this, nothing cld changes, coz all this upon daddy decisions..,i just have to bear what gonna come, coz im fear due to this, mummy and kakak gonna fight.. But again i was helpless to do anything.., i just hope God gonna help us.. And lead us the way.. Even though its means separation for us.. After all whats gonna happen is come from Him,so may God show us his guidance.. Hmm :(

Thanks God u is all i need..

2011-12-01T03:09:00.001-08:00

Im currently at Changi Airport T3,now is 6.41pm.. When i look at the planes and the sky i wonder myself.. Reflected on my life.. I noticed that i was a loner, its not i dont have friends, but at times they need space on thier own, and congrats to kaah and jaja on thier 4th Monthsary.. May they enjoy their dinner at Pastamania @ ehub maybe..

Sometime i lost where shld i go,but i m glad God always there for me and show me His way.. Eventhough im alone but i know God will always watching me a protect me, most of my friends say im crazy,strangest,weird and etc coz i do things alone in such places.. But then i have nobody to be my companion and by my side, i was lucky i have kaah and yana, coz sometimes they will be there for me, and thanks most to kaah coz i know she wanna spent more time with her partner but she doesnt even mind im tagging along.., i m thanking God for the time He let ppl to be with me and accompany me.., but i do hope that when ppl by my side its not bcoz they sympathize me for being lonely,but they really wanna spent time with me...

Sometimes i feel im nobody in this world coz with my existence or not its doesnt make any different in their life, im just a person that God sent me to be by the side of ppl that alone and nid someone to listen to, even though barely ppl listen to me, i dont want them to feel the same as me..i want to be the one that hear thier sorrows and wipe thier tears, i feel nobody cares about me i mean like my feeling and the pain i been holding.. I just kept o myself coz i dont want ppl to misunderstand me by thinking im weak... But again nobody knows that person fully like we know our own.. May God always guide me his way in my life, if i dont have anybody the least i know i still have u Allah Swt...😊

I will go move from here at 7.30pm

Thanks God For leading me to this place today coz i dont know where is my destination for tmw..and who will i be with, alone again, or someone will be there..😊

Shld stop complaining..

2011-11-28T19:05:00.001-08:00

Haiz is not i wanted to complaints how sucks my life is.. Sometime i wonder did i take things for granted?.. I just dont know how to bring the old me back, the way i dont give a damn abt anythg,whats happening and etc..the happy go lucky i used to be, dont give a fuck on anythg..now i dont know why that i care too much..haiz im just tired of everythg..how i wish i was like last time.. Tired if whinding abt my life... Fuhk!..seriously im tired of me being this way... Arrghh!..

Study time at usual place!: EHub!, Mac Cafe

2011-11-23T03:17:00.001-08:00

Well now i at the bus stop otw to Pasir Ris Ehub! @mac cafe to study, idk why but i like to study there.. Coz i cld feel concerntration is there.. I gonna study for my test tmw.. There no way i wanna let myself fail without tryin.. So may today i will have the peace in my mind and heart..so i cld fill in my mind with knowledge and so do my heart feel relax and get things easy.. I lied to my mum.., i said i gone study with my friend, but then actually i when there alone.hahaha.. Well i cant rely on ppl to be there for me all the while.., i have to learned independent.. Afterall alone is the way to get myself everywhere in life, so doesnt matter is ppl see me loner, or what so ever.. As long i did things on my own.. So may today i cld tuck in all the knowledge in my brain . So even if i failed the least i do is i try an believe!.. 😊

May u brighten up my day.. ☀

2011-11-22T19:07:00.001-08:00

Kay now im in class, i supposed to be study but i shoved my earpiece on and play with my phone.. I just dont feel like doing anything.. I just wanna go sch but then im doing nothing.. And my two fren at the back yana and kah busy whatsapping and beep here and there..*while updating my blog my teacher kpo and see what im doing and said i was busy smsing..*😝haix wonder what my day will be today.. may God showed me his way.. 😊

After a sunny day comes down the rains.. ☀☔

2011-11-22T06:49:00.001-08:00

Today i spent my day at kah place, together with yana and syed.. We laugh out loud all day.. But who knows after a bright and sunny day, rain and storm strike in a sudden.. There something happen between kah and... When she reading her msg as her tears dripping down to her tears she shout and said "saket sia hati!" and range her anger all out and cry like there no others.., i cant say anything just speechless.. But inside me i wonder how cld i help her.., i always wanted to help all my friends but i just dont know how.., im just not a good listener and a gd helping hand.., however i hope Allah SWT will guide all my friends when i cant be there for them,or im just not gd enough to be a companion.. Afterall i just wanna be there for ppl really closed to me.. However God pls guide me and my loved ones.. Cause all the good and bad things happened, come from you .. Kay that roughly how my day today..May tomorrow i have a brighter day.. 😊

please bring the old me that i used to be.. i really lost my way and i only prayin hard to ALLAH SWT..

2011-11-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

its kinda a while i didn't update my blog. There's many things happen.. the things that i cant stop from happened.. I know everything happen its on God Wills there nothing cld do but just accept it..i felt horrible days after days... i cant find the reasons why i kept on living this way for 11 months.. i just missed those days when i have my smile all over and everywhere i go.. but then everything changed.. nothing is the same as before.. how i wish i cld bring those smiles and laughter at my face.. but my heart cant denied.. Even after moving forward of my feeling towards "HER", i cld still feel the pain in me.. i just cldnt get it why it doesnt go away..

I know my heart are still crying that i cant have the things or PERSON.. i wanted.. but i have to moved on so the the person are happy with their life.. As long the person are happy and being take care of..i wld pray the best.. even i live in devastated conditions.. i only feel i got myself to turn to, and nobody else other than myself.. i just miss my old day really really really really much!!!..

Dear God,

I know imperfect.. and i know everything that happened was come from You.. and i should accept it no matter what even though its hurt.. i just want you to help me in my daily life.. pls guide me.. coz i seem to be so lost.. pls make me smile and laugh again.. im tired of living like a soul that dont really have a emotions.. and hope one day u find me a real,loyal,patience,understanding, person that will love me as much!.. and hope in return u will make me love the person as much in my life.. and the person wld throw away those sadness in my heart.. and we will live together in thick and thin together.. I may not have a perfect looks or interesting life.. but i just hope i will find the person that look deep thru in my heart, and not my outlooks.. after u sent many guys to accompany me,Afik,Sya,Solihin, and others.. now pls this time showed me one person that worth my whole life.. i cant continued living like this... Pls show me your guidance.. Im a human on my knees just begging and praying much to you to makes things works and well again.. Amin..

Hanya padaMu aku meminta pertolongan dan keredha hati..
Kau la Maha Pengasih,Maha Penyayang and Maha Pengetahui Segalanya..
Dan kau juga la yg telah menyaksikan segalanya..

Hope things wld changed..

Please change me..

2011-02-05T22:30:00.000-08:00

Its 2011, i really hope after i lost my China Iphone, i wont be able to contact my past and get back to them, caused seriously i wanna moved on,. and refrain from repeating it because i could cry when i look back those mistakes I'm done..
done.. But what have don't cant be repeat, so now i reaaly2 hope God will show me the right path and his guidance, i a human being that fill with weakness, i need his greatness to showed the way.. and hopefully he will.. Amin..

Read back your diary,see what i m in my pasts..

2011-02-02T05:44:00.000-08:00

Today. when i read back all my past, i realized there's so much i gone through.. I've been through to the worst stage.. As i read all it back, i can see in certain road in my life, i cant make the right decisions, i can't be tough enough to stop things that not supposed to be happening.. i let people to used me, i lets love to blind me in the dark, and worst i behaving like a slu,heartless and etc.. Ouh Gosh i cant believe it, i've been so lost..

But God im really regret of my doings, maybe that why karma comes around.. Please help me, i don't wish any of my past to repeats again., haiz.. Enough i been a fools in my past..

Is there a door for me to clear my mistakes?, if there is i will enter that door, and take the prices i have to pay.,

My Past has so much to pay...Im disappointed myself with my wrongs doing, n feel so low valued.. But somehow my past are also the one that teaches me something abt lifes, Learned from my mistakes, n never repeats!, But for all the stuff i been through this is what im becoming today, Never betray Trust..

Dear Pasts,
You're my life story,
You know what i been through,
You are the witness of those little & huge mistakes
that i've done.,but at the same time,

You also the one that witness my hardest stage of life,
You know the pain that i've been enduring all the while,
You see the sacrifices,that i make to pay the prices,
You know the hard decisions i make is out of my will..

Im no better than others, I was once the ex-convicts in the prison,
and im the prisoner of my own pasts,
i convicts worst offenses that the real convicts have done..

My true colors is my pasts, my worst nightmare is my mistakes,
my weakness is my heart, my strongest is my tears,
my awareness is my doings, my hatred is my stupidest decisions,
my anger is my attitude, my taciturn is what in my thoughts
i regards that
My pasts is about my mistakes,but, my future is not to repeat my mistakes,and i will have to continues till the end no matter what happen.

continues walkin..

Moved on , and moved on.. Be strong.. U will find ur light..

2010-10-07T02:20:00.000-07:00

I hope this time round.. im really gonna be strong.. coz i really hoped this time round that i've really2 MOVED ON...

Enough for almost 2years i've been feeling worst of mylife, its time for me to go on with a widely smile on my face..The smile that shows im really2 alright, not a fake smile that to hides those tears i've been keepin inside..

I will missed those memories that i've been thru, however im thankin God for the challenges he bring in me and thankin Him for making me understand and feel that Love not always about holding on, but its also about letting go.. I admit i been enduring the pain that keep hurting and tries to healed at the same time, those pain making me feel so weak.. but as it been healing i've feel so much stronger..n i do hope it stay strong so i cld moved on..

I've to Esplanade yesterday afternoon, i go to City Hall, to relax and calm my mind.. i try to recalled everythg, surprisingly my tears not dropping for like the first time.. coz each time when i recalled my past.. i wld tears and fall.. but its hard for now.. im gald it that way.. i hope i wld be strong.. and faced my life.. i know im strong.. i can make all this..Thank the Mighty God!.. Without his guidance i wldnt be this strong...

and now i heading to positive side of life.. i do hopes God gonna still guide me.. and show me His Ways... =)

Moving on is hard.. its takes ur whole time and lifes to forget and get tough.. nobody cld understand u, how u cld understand urself, You cant rely on others to give u positive support.. u need urself to get up and stand.. ppl cant help u, if u dont help urself.. doesnt matter if u have to changed, bt hope in the end u do get the right way out.. do pray hard from God.. He will shows u the light, Only He know its..

Be strong.. and i hope i wld be strong and moved on.. Let smile conquer my life with ppl that i loved.. =)

Im holding my future, coz the past with u still hunting me..

2010-07-30T07:45:00.001-07:00

I still can't accept the facts abt us.., i thought i was strong enough to get rid of u, but its opposite, u are too strong for me to get rid of..

Its been 2years past.. I can't believe it, from a instant get to know, we actually been this far.. We might be closed.. however there still boundaries between us.. , the boundaries that can''t be explained.. however i believed u remember everything that happened between us.. it might be just a memories for u.. but its more than just a memories for me..

I tried everything to get rid of u.. despite i tried many times to keep myself away n forgetting abt us.. but i guess God still wanted us to be together..

I want u out from my life. but at the same time, i don't want u to leave.. i don't know what i want.. im so confused!

On 28 July 2010..
AT bugis.. we met.. i requests we met on that day,since im not going for Teakwondo Practices... I meet him after walking around with my Classmate Liyana..Since she have to leave at 6pm, I decided to text him, if he wld want to meet me.. He agreed.. Around 6pm Liyana have to leave n i meet him..So we head to City Hall, so we walked from Bugis to City Hall.. While we walked he asked "Why u wanted to meet me so sudden?" , i said.." I thought u said in your messages u wanted to spent more time with me." then he silent.. coza in my mind was only him..

WE when to Esplanade, we sat and talked.. after awhile he hungry.. so we decided to go dinner.. , we have our dinner at KFC @ Marina Square.. AFter dinner we walked around Marina Square Mall and we when some place quiet that kinda a little peace.. We have so much laugh, and jokes together.. while laughing actually deep inside me was crying.. Its just that we have great time.. we like so closed.. but everything stops just bcoz of ours boundaries.., while i was with him.. on his lap, while he hugging me.. I look to the stars and said to him.. and what i was saying is so random.. not even in my thought.. i said..(in MAlay) " Kalau i takder, u cari kawan lain kay?." He said " U tak nak umpe i lagik?" n i repeat the same questions again.. he silent.. i said.." Kalau i takder u cari kawan lain.. selain i.." then he hug me tight.. as if he don't want to let me go,.. maybe i hurt him with my words.. but i feel that night its so beautiful, coz its the same feeling when we first met each other.. However that gonna be unforgettable night for me..

As we take our move to train at City Hall, i shake hand with him.. but while i shake his hand he was like wanted me to kiss his hand.., but i didnt..

As we gone separate ways to different escalators he look at me and smiled..
That end to our meet that time..

I cant stop thinking.. why does this boundaries have to be between us?.., Its hard to explained.. If said.. people wont undertsnd, and they will definitely blamed me.. if only they know how i felt and how hard i tried not to be blamed at..

There no explanations can be done.. The pictures of fun moments we had gonna always hunt me.. But i guess God fated everything for us.. land i just hope there gonna be a reasons why all this happened between u and me..

Our friendship just like the skyline.. when it was under construction till it fully done now.. we are here together..

Hmm, hope there gonna be a good reasons why things happened this way...

I miss that "Patrick & Spongebob"..hmm =(

2010-02-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

I miss My Spongebob and Patrick badly... i think my hard-work to bring them back as one not gonna come true after all.. The Spongebob (Bob) and Patrick (Pat) i been referring to is my classmate in 2008.. the two clown guys.. now they been quarrel over a matter regarding something..

When on 3rd Feb when we having our graduations Pat says " CNY is nearing make an outing?".. then Bob thoughts that Pat wants we plan.. and blah3.. its longs story .. and i barely remembered them..but for sure this where problem come from.. For what i know i have been put in charged for the planning for the outing..

Start due to commenting in Facebook of Pat Girlfriend profile.., the whole thing then pop up.. i try to explain to Pat that Its just a misunderstood cause "Bob mad at Pat cause he himself was not contactable on the day before the outing to confirm whether he going or not?,and Bob don't really mean anything for saying something at fb.."

Bob just a little misunderstood with Pat gf thought of her didn't convey his messages to Pat,cause bob have been contacting Pat thru her.., and i go contact both of them and try to sort things out..

i contact one of the clan at first,asked if she could helped by talking to Pat Gf.. then she gave Pat Gf number, and i explain to her.. cause i having difficulties to contact Pat,and i wanna say it just a misunderstood..Pat Gf helped and told Pat to contact me later on at night..And finally i get to talk to Pat at that night,n i explain.but Pat says "he mad at Bob when in the comment he said Bob kinda a bit rough on his words and the way he sent messages to Pat Gf .."

That where things get continued when third party from Pat side comment.. and blah3..haix..

Hope they get each other mistakes.. but still wondering how will i know that things really fine or not?.. hmm just wait?.. hmm.. but then we (Pat gf and me) wish things may be ok.. but i don't know will things be alright..

I still hoping.. i missed them badly.. haix.. but then who cares about my feeling over here... i m just nothing to them probably.. hm its ok if they refused, i can't forced them to.. but i really missed them.. even though i aware they won't be reading this.. i really loved them as a friends, same goes with others, i don't wish to see the clan go down in the drain due to small things like this. i wish this clan would stay alive forever... but then again which friendship didn't go wrong right?.. hmm i feel so disappointed with them..cause ain't one wanna give in and forgive and forget.. hmm.

hopefully one day things will get better between them..

Nana
=(

R u ready?.. Here its comes...

2010-02-23T03:46:00.000-08:00

18th Feb was the day.. moment of truth.. whether i was selected to continued my studies in Higher Nitec.. And H*ll yeah!, i was Selected!!.. i m damn happy that glory was on my side.. cause seriously if i wasn't selected in continuing my educations i have to get myself out in the working life... so I m glad that i was given the chance from God to continue.. coz i before the day.. night. i keep praying.. i said " If i wasn't selected to continue in my studies, please do give me a proper job to support my life" and i always hope i could to continue..n yes!...

But unfortunately, like my previous last2 post.. i wish if things could be like last time.. but i can't expect things to be the same when the year and situation changed wasn't isn't?.. so yes or no.. i have to try to adapt a new situation and new classmates.. i gonna missed my last year classmate badly..but i hope that i will get new classmate same as the two "clowns" hehe joking2...Someone like happy go lucky and make silly jokes like Dil.. and a best ever partner for project Ian..the same thing they have in common is "RANDOM Thought" and i can't deny the rest like Yana..Alif..Rufi.. and etc.. i really gonna missed them.. hm..

Now i have arnd a month +/- to get prepare.. and then here my April ITE life begin.. Its gonna be so much different.. with the old friends that used to be.. I do wish 2010 classmate gonna be the same as my 2008 classmate!!... I miss them!!!.. Haifz senior and Junior, Thameem.. Safwan..Lin Han and Bin.. Wei chien, Eugene..Yi Ling..Safri.. Stathish.. and all.. hmm but then.. again.. i must adapt to new situation now,,, hope i could get even more friends.. and we will "JIWA BEB!" haha.. Lame!.. hmm i wish it will be true... and I not gonna forget my last year partner in crime easily.. they will always be there in one place my heart...and hope my new April Classamte gonna be happy go lucky.. adapt with each other, shared one heart.., and hope i will have a good friend by my side... hmm i not gonna forget my last year friends.. hmm

Time changed,World changed... things can't be the same... Life can't be stopped.. so like it or not.. it have to carried on... Now i feeling like wanna hug Ian, and Dil for being my best classmates!.. and i hug, yana ,alif ,rufi and all for make my 2008 and 2009 a memorable ones.. hmm haix..

I really iwsh i could continued April Intake 2010 in ITE with them all AGAIN!,.. hmm

I gonna miss u gals/guys badly!.. I MEAN IT BADLY!!..hmm

=(
Nana

Love have extroardinary powers!,. its could kills and cure..but if u know how to used it.. it could bring some happiness and guidance in life!!..

2010-02-13T03:43:00.000-08:00

Things never been prefect for me for the past years, I been facing many up and downs for the past 3 years of my teens life... I don't know how can i describe this feeling.. For me after all three years i been suffering from many kinds of life crisis, but one of the crisis i phobia to faced in was Love...

I was like so afraid to believe in Love again, i don't know why this feeling that i feel almost for 4 years being single.. i been trying hard not to questions why.. Its like i been hurt many times,.. one after another keep coming to me..all kind of attitude and behavior that drive me crazy and even make me cry..

I know i was imperfect person, but i know one thing that i will make it all perfect when comes to love, i will give my trust,happiness,love,care,concern and my soul to him.. I just need one guy to be there for me and share this values together for our relationship..i just want a guy to be with me for eternity..But then love never make it easy for me..

Last relationship just go over in the drain,promises all thrown down to the sea.. He make me promise so many things together, But again i was blind by his sweet promises.. I been crying all nights after losing him.. and questioning what makes it all go this way.. he was so cruel living me alone, with those unanswered questions in my heart.. Till the guy that named S** come and comfort me.. and tell me not to think of my past relationship that make me sad till now.. He told me to move on.. and be strong.. He bring those confidence in me back and forget all about my bad past relationship,he said i shouldn't think about it and hold back my life now...I deserve a better life..i admit i do regret to be love again due to my last relationship,and other love crisis been hunting me at the moment.. but then again.. i forget we were just friends nothing more... However, i keep bring my own smile to my face.. and get to the place that make me smile and relax even though im alone there, to me the wind was my companion.. and the one that accompany me where ever i go..

Feel like never wanted to love again.. Its hurt me internally..,but then its nothing could be done..We should learn from the past.. but my heart just l don't want to hear about love for now.. maybe its closed its door for really special someone..When my heart found the special someone, which is the right guy with the right keys.. maybe i will be in love again..

I feel happy with my family and friends by my side..i love them very much for making those little smiles on my face..I hope i make theirs too.. they always specials in my heart in some ways..

Life experiences, always teaches something. Either it good or bad you decide it where can you used it for. Keep those sad feeling away, just smiles and have fun with family and friends..Its could be a medicine to cure your heart.. =)

Lastly,Im not celebrating it on 14th Feb 09.. this for u..

Happy Valentines Day.. to couples out there..

Nana =)

Its time for the Big changes!, Sorry things have to go by my ways now,, =(

2010-02-10T01:38:00.000-08:00

Day after day is still about the same old thing. Home.. Home.. and home.. im getting sick and tired being at home all the time!!..

Its time to wake up!!.. and get rebellious!!.. hahaha.. Gonna be the old Nana.. hehe where rebellious is my way of getting freedom!!.. enough of innocent old me.. hehe.. the time has come.. its time to get things work out as they usually before.. being innocent me not gonna worked.. follow whatever their orders.. when no means No!.. now i gonna work my own way.. where No means YES!!.. haha... its not i wanted to be this way.. but i can't keep listening, and let them give me the orders all the time!.. Im sorry mum and dad.. I love u .. but your way wasn't working for me.. im 18 years old now!.. i wanna my freedom..don't worry i ain't do it for bad.. i gonna used it to fill the things i should see and checked it out and it can't never experiences when im in 20's anymore...

I love u daddy!.. but u all are getting over my head.. and i don't like it.. im sorry.. Pls have faith in me.. and pls give me your trust,., well my teenagers life come once in a life time.. i can't afford to put it to a waste.. and i just wanna enjoy it .. I gonna do it now before its too late to turn back..

I have to fights you guys now.. two against one...i know we are in deeply financial crisis problem.. but time is ticking, i know going out is a waste of money.. but i can't afford to waste the time.. A 60 second i delayed.. its another minutes i won't get back.. Pls understand me.. I love u so much!... but that's the only way..

I m feel sad when people always say i the one that having problem when comes for outing.. Im sick and tired when i was partly the one causes the problem.. Its not easy being me.. However i know part of the reason people been ignoring me it cause im having problem going out.. im don't care much about it.. but then im getting use to it.. being left out its not a normal thing to me anymore.. i can't blame them either for not inviting me.. cause they themselves must sick and tired of my old stupid reasons.. I know people always have bad things to say about me., i don't give a damn.. as long i don't hear it with my ears.. and im happy the way i m is important.. To me in every group im in.. is better being in the middle of no where.. that's the resaon why i don't just stick to one person.. Mixed around is the best.. I gonna changed.. "Oh God Please give me faith for what im gonna do.. and pls showed me the right path.. keep me away from the path of hell.. " so that whenever or where ever im at... im know the path im in is the one is safe and right for me.. "Please give me the faith.. so i could fight for it.. Im doing it for the sake of my teens life.. please blessed me for what i wanted to do.. im doing it a gd thing,just spend time with friends before its all changed and too late for me to regain everything .. please guide me on the path im going.. Dan Insyallah aku boleh buktikan pada sahabatku2 yang aku bukan lagi penyebabnya..Amin.." <<>>

"Bismillahirahmanirahim...Ya Allah Ya TuhanKu, Aku berpinta PadaMu Mudahan2 segala perbuatan ku yang aku lakukan di perkenankan oleh Mu, Bukannya aku lakukan untuk niat yang jahat, ia sekadar hanya hiburan yang aku ingin mengisi di hari remajaku sebelum aku menyesal di hari tua ku..Aku berpinta padaMu Tuhan!, Lindungi la hambamu apabila aku di luar rumahku, and jika aku berbohong pada orang tua ku, ia bukan satu perkara yang aku sesekali ingin laku kan.. tapi ia cumer satunya2 cara buat aku untuk pergi ke tempat yang aku ingin merasainya .. aku berpinta semoga Kau Ya Allah SWT ,bibingla aku ker jalan yang benar.. and jauhkan aku ker jalan yang sesat,.. Dan kelakuan aku ini ialah satu2 nya cara untuk aku mencari kebahagian hidup ku sendiri, sesunnguhnya Kau sahajalah yang mengatahui penderitaan yang aku lalui.. Tidak sesekali aku ingin menjadi anak yang biabab dan anak yg derhaka pada orang tua..Kerana mereka tidak percayai padaku.. sebab itu aku terpaksa bebohong untuk mencari jalan keluar.. and aku cuma berpinta padamu.. lindungi la hambamu sepanjang masa.. memang cara ku agak membahaya dan agak berisiko..Ia menyedihkan aku,yang terpaksa berbohong untuk kebebasan.. tapi ia hanya satunya2 cara yang aku ada.. Puas aku cuba untuk memberi pergertian kepada mereka yang aku ingin kebebasan, tapi ia hanya sia2, demi itu aku berpinta pada mu ya Allah, untuk merahmati setiap pergerakan aku.. Insyallah ..Sesungguhnya Kau lah Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang and Maha Pengatahui..Hanya kepadaMu aku Berpinta and mengadu nasib ku...Tolongla hambamu ini, and aku mohon Kemaafan keatas semua perbuatanku..Insyallah ..Amin"

I have to admit,what im gonna to do is a big risk.. but there no other choice.. Its sad that lying is the way for freedom.. but this is the fact.., pathetic if i think again.. but that is reality.. people always get used with lies rather than the truth.. It was because different parent have different perception,Like i say before its hard being me.. for years i tried to convince my parent and tell them what i want.. its seem so hard for them to get it.. You may give me thousands of ways to say it to my parent.. when the have their own way of perception..that's where no matter what u do, its can't change their way.. so i can't change their way, i gonna change mine.. so Im damn deeply sorry.. i can't stay any more longer in your orders.. i gonna prove you that im old enough for my actions and the way of im taking care of myself.. i do really appreciate you to give me your support and give me your trust... I love you.. but then.. I really sorry..=(

Is its possible for me to move on?.. =(

2010-01-29T21:17:00.000-08:00

I always told myself to move on in life and if possible never turn back to the past. But, no matter how hard i tried.Its hard to resist it. Almost every night i keep wondering why does things have to gone this way? And why can't i just prevent the past from happening and effect my future?..If i could prevent it i don't have to told myself to move on badly..

January 2010, is not a good starting year for me.. As i feel everything start to changing.. i wished time was like to be in 2009.. But, Unfortunately it can't. Things changed like a wind... Its like my footstep in the sand was like being washed away by the sea that hit the beach..but i beg at least for once, My joy and happiness from my past would come to me and shall bring those smiles back in many people faces...hmm.

Nana =(

Im trying to tell myself it all a reality, it the facts of the reality of Us..

2010-01-17T03:10:00.000-08:00

I just want one guy, to show me that they're not the same.
I've been hurt so many time before.. but, for every girls heart that get broken..there's another guy with a glue gun..

If i wanna see the rainbow..,i gotta go through the rain
If i wanna feel love..,i gotta through the pain

Coz loving you was the best and worst mistake i ever made.., Coz u were the only guy worth drawing those silly little love hearts all over my notebook for..

Coz every girl wants to have her fairy tale,but.. don't fairy tales have happy endings?.Everyone wants that feeling of when you can't stop smiling..coz all i can think about is that guy,feeling safe knowing that someone is thinking about me all the time.., but then again nothing can last forever..even the best relationships can go wrong over night,but the best thing to do is moving on..,

Just coz things didn't work out doesn't mean I'll never love again..its just means that someone out there love me more!. Love is most likely starring him in the face, i had just been too blind to see it..

So when i see couples walking down the streets holding hands, keep my head up and smile..coz I'll never know who is round the corner,never forget my friends!,they will be right even when you don't want them to be.., Coz good friends are hard to find,harder to leave and impossible to forget!..

For every 60 seconds i spend upset,is another minute i won't get back..

As life is too short, i think is better i dance like no one is watching,sing like no one is listening and love like i have never been hurt before..

One thing for sure, mistakes are made for a reason , and i just gotta learn from them and try not to make the same ones again.

Just to remember,no guy is worth mine tears,but the one who is won't make me cry..

So i think is fair enough after holding him for long enough in my heart, its time to let him go.. he not worth for me, or either waiting for.. No matter what ways u have.. the fact is the guy i give my love, is attached.. i cant deny the facts.. i cant hide and run from it.. even though i the only one knows the pains that i been enduring all the while.. even though the word "friends" he wanted, but i knowing enough, things is complicated for me.. Even though the memories is hunting me, the facts is the facts.. u can't deny a thing.. even though he was your dream guy that u ever pray to meet from years ago... its clear i only can be friends,but the facts is i cant OWN him.. so its better u let him go.. coz the more he is here with me.. the more i can't move on, its a pain to gain.. but that the price that i have to pay.. saying gdbye to u is not what i wanted. but separated for a moment wld make me clear of everything.. 2010 is a brand new year.. so i don't wish this to be dragged in 2010 any longer.. i have to let u go.. same how i do it to other guys that i love.. its a big scarification to me, as i feel i a loser in comes of relationships..,U, yourself remember those memories.. its pain to hear it.. but again it the facts.. keep the memory of us.. coz i think that will be the last and for all.. u won't be able to contacting me now..

"alif atas I, lam mati atas love, ya depan U..i love u..hahaha"..These was ur words when i asked what u think the pic above arabic means..

Saying goodbye to u..forget me arites.. if u read this.. pls i never abandon our friendships.. but the pain is just too much, im sorry..
=( CRPLS

2010 is a year of nightmare that i kept saw in my imaginations..=(

2009-12-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

I have almost 1 day left (31th December 2009) tomorrow to prepare myself to say goodbye to 2009. Its sad for me to left this year, i have great up and downs for this year.

2009 is the year where i unites almost with all my friends, i always love them.., i might not describe how i love them in words,but its all in my heart, i enjoy spending my moments with them, if i conquer the time, i wanna spent with everyone like never ends..., Not to forget my 2009 ITE classmates PE0801P, even though i have a issues with my teacher, i always love him for being patience all the while with me, i still remember on 30th/--/09 i have a big quarrel with him, that's my first time being rude to a teacher.. however im proud to have MR Andrew Lim my former 2008 Class Advisor to support me, he been trying hard to push me to the end for this year, and he make me promise him to succeed till the end of the sch year, and i did!.

Not to forget 25Th October 2009, Where big arguments happened this moment never ever erase from my life, i always remember this moment caused this where we told each other to start everything back a new, and only God Knows whats happend between us all, but now deep inside my heart, i will never forget evey single of my friends scarification that they have done.. and i truly love them!...

Not to forget the Clan.. Arinah, Fifa, Mazlina, Sufian, Aidil and newly known on Arinah's birthday,Aqilah and Hana... well this clan really a outgoing clan.. i have great time with them all.. and i feel so happy while spending my time laughing with them.. and one hobby i guess in the clan wont missed out is a picture of the day whenever there outing.. hehe well hope this clan will last long and if possible forever...

Yana,Nina,Wanie,Eerah,Alif,Rufi,Faizal and others, i always love them all!, my love never been divided at all, i always wish i cld spent my whole year with everyone.. I really appreciate with the presence of them all.. thanks so much for being there and support me..

I don't know how cld i face 2010 that gonna arrive soon, whenever i saw a advertisement regarding celebration 2010, my hearts felt so scared, and in my eyes 2010 is like a nightmare, and im scared and not even excited to looking forward..Its was because 2010 is a year of separations to me, where most of my friends gonna head their owns path now.. For ITE friends, we are graduated and most of us heading somewhere else.. i feel so scared, coz i don't know who gonna by my side next year?.. ;'(, if this year i have Ian, Safri, Naufal and Shafiq as my classmates, and i have friends like Yana, Alif, Rufi and my former classmates, i don't know who gonna stay for 2010..., its like a stranger to me.. i don't know can i find a loyal,funny,crazy,irritating friend like Ian for a classmate and a partner for projects?, Safri, Naufal, and Shafiq as a friend to accompany and help out me in stuff??, I don't know.. seriously im scared.. im crying right now,cause im scared losing them... cause i never gonna find a person like them..i might take advantage of them, but deep inside i appreciate them and i love them for being there...

2010 where every persons of friends gonna go separates ways, i don't want to loose them all!, i really wanted them to be with me right here besides me.. but im afraid ,that's not things gonna be next year.. Yana might pursue to another course in another campus, Nina gonna be busy same goes to Herwani, Faizal,Eerah and the rest, Alif and Rufi i not sure. Ian gonna head for National Service (NS) Police in 4th May 2010, Aidil gonna head somewhere to continues his sad life, he always shows his happiness arnd to cheers others, but i can feel, he been suffering inside... and no ones knows.. Maz, she gonna continues her studies, Arinah, she gonna continues her studies too..Fifa gonna achiever her goals as well and my newly known friends Aqilah and Hana also have things to achieve... everyone have their own things to achieved..

However,where ever my friends was, i always support them in their Good greats goals.. and they will always be my friends no matter what, even though we're gone separates ways, i will keep their memories with me.. and bring them where ever i go.. no matter they are casual, new, old or far, even closes friends their will always be there in my heart.. I gonna missed them badly!.. ;'(, I =f they faces doubt or problem ups or downs in 2010 i really hopes they will shares it with me..and i pretty happy to be their listening ears..=(, and will inform me if they changes their numbers..

I don't know, if i continued in Higher Nitec can i find a best classmate like used to be?.., Im just too scared.. im scared the world of year 2010 would be a mean year to me.. and i scared, that nobody by side anymore.. ;'(, i don't know.. im scared..., im feel that 2010 separating me from my friends all of them!.. hm i missed them all.. pls don't separates us all.. i don't know what will i be without them... even though my family always there, i still need someone outsiders to guide me.. haix.. i dont' know for now.. i just gonna say i really wish things gonna stay as what the use to in 2009..and my friends will always stay and be there for me and us all.. i really wish that.. And most important is, i hope all of us will not changed and stay how we use to know each other.. the old them that i recognized them now.. but if they changed i gonna missed old them..

Life is changing, time is ticking, day is switching, but i hope my memories, how i use to know them, love , care, and our bonding never changes at all!... =(

I really hope 2010 is a year of bonding and gathering and not a year of separations....year or happiness, joy and fun not a year of crying sad and horrifying year.. hm =(

*LOVE U ALL..*
NaNa FaRhAnAh a.K.a NaNa PeNdEk

Chaos of Ian birthday planing.. hehe =)

2009-12-16T01:47:00.000-08:00

Now was 12.51am.. 16 December 2009!, guess what its Ian birthday.. actually i really hope that today wld be a memorable birthday for him as he going NS at 4th May 2010.. and we might unable to celebrate his birthday again, who knows we all gonna separate ways..

14 December 2009
My Actual plan is if we could celebrate his birthday at his place. Arinah give the idea of that and others agreed as well, so we go on with the plan, but without Ian knowing. so i the one that gonna talk to his mum since they say i closed to his mum, I got nervous wanna call his home cause i kind a worried if he the one that answer the phone.. however i tried and he did answered, i lied that i say i tried to contact him through hp but then network failed.. heheh =P , then while i on the phone with him, Arinah call.. so we conference together.. while in the conference.. Ian did say that he not sure whether he could make it for the outing, cause maybe his family will bring him out.. so i like acting and say"Hand the phone to your mum let me talk to her and say that i booked u for tomorrow outing." then he did pass it,then due to confused so many voices in the conference cause Fifa was in the conference as well.. Ian said " Why u didn't speak with her when she say hello?". Then i decided and i say "Then u used your hp and conference while i called your house phone" he agreed and hang up, and i rushy dialed his house number.. and yeah! his mum picked up.. i asked his mum whether they are bringing Ian out?, then i say about my plan if could we wanna celebrate Ian birthday at his place and that only happen if we have the permission of Aunt and Uncle, his mum need to discuss its over Ian Dad.. so i give his mum time to talk about it and get back to me by tomorrow around 1pm.. after i hang up, i called Arinah and joined the conversation again.. then Arinah talk to me privately before joining me with rest for conference.. then i told her everything about the plan and then she join me back in the conversation as per normal..and discussed and discussed... hehe =)

15 December 2009
I wake up at 11 or 12pm in the afternn something.. then i patiently wait till 1pm for his mum reply, and i really hope if the answer was positive, cause i hope it can,cause i can imagined the fun moment already at his place, and so that he could celebrate together with his friend and family...At 1pm i was anxiously, then i tried to called his house using my hp but then no one picked up after several's tone..then i called use my house phone which is private so if Ian picked i could just hang up without he knowing it.. but then still no one answered.. then i think maybe they going out, or maybe she go pray for Zohor.. Then it around 1.30pm and i go washed out and go out to Tampines Post Office to pay my dad bill, then i decided to called Ian when i at the post office, and he answered, so i asked " What are u doing?" the he said " i just woke up".. then i chat with him for awhile and i tried to asked "then u r alone?" He replied" Nope, my mum just come back from taking her medicine".. so that why no one answer my called.. i talk to him again with a topic .. then i suddenly say to him "By the way, what are the ingredients that your mum used to make the Marble Cake?" caused i used to eat his mum cake and i really love it.. then he say " u go called my house and asked her then".. so i hang up and called his house.. but then no one pick up after so long.. then Ian called and say wait for some minute her mum was on the phone.. then after awhile his mum called and say about the plan result.. unfortunately she can't.. caused she didn't told his dad about it due to certain family reasons.., his mum do say "don't get mad alright s Farhanah ", haha then i say " its ok", i wont forced,its ok if she can't", so i contd my conversation with his mum asked about the ingredient of the marble cake.. and after awhile.. we hang up.. then i called Ian back through his Hp..then i called Arinah and told her about the news, then we had no choice to continued the plan as the original way outing by Ian plan etc..

16 December 2009
Later that night around 8,30pm i called Arinah as she wanted me and Ian to called her and we plan at first they say we hangout at a place that i wasn't sure..then Aidil want us to join conversation and then it all like so messed up.. then blah3 cut things short.. Ian , Arinah and me get back on the conference and cracked up our head for outing places .. and then.. after Ian hangs up i called Arinah.. and tried to plan about the cake surprised.. cause Ian doesn't know about it.. then we got so messed up, at last i just told Arinah do what she things rites,... and here goes...

I really hope that the outing is a memorable birthday for Ian.. cause i really hope he would remember this birthday as the memorable birthday he ever had.. but i don't know.. i hope later we will have great day and have fun!.. and ya Mazlina (Ian ex) doesn't joined us this time round, hm due to her own valid reasons i guess .. hm however i hope Ian will have a great birthday outing, i really hope, u must be wondering why i like wanted this outing goes perfectly.. hm cause i don't know when,where and etc i can spend time with him and my friends again.. i gonna miss them. especially Ian cause he gonna be in NS.. or in Police next year. after getting our ITE results if either of us didn't make it or make it, or separate ways .. who knows he might not be the old guy i used to know., and same goes to my friends, i really hope we would have a great long friendship that never ends... not only with Arinah, Mazlina, Aidil, Sufian and Fifa and same goes the rest.. Yana,Nina,Wanie,Eerah,Alif,Rufi, and etc,, and others,,

i love u all and i wish my friendship would last long with all of u, cause my love as a friend to u all is unlimited,... haix.. i really hope i could make a memorable birthday for everyone.. but im sorry if i couldn't/ didn't make your birthday a great or memorable one, .hmm.. anyways to Ian i hope u will have a great day with us.. even though i know u wouldn't read my blog, but i hope u will not forget me as your friend alright's, cause i know i m not the kind of people you usually hang out with, but i do hope you wont changed, and same goes to Aidil and all.. i really hope.. and lastly "Mudahan2 16 December 2009, ini akan menjadi hari lahir Ian yg terindah.. and mungkin jadikan lah hari lahir nyer yg terindah yg tak akan Ian lupekan dalam hidupnye.. Insyallah Amin.. "

Gonna really hope things will go fine... =)

Nana 1.41am... =)

life and loves??.. Wld things blend?.. depends on ur STORIES...

2009-10-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

Life... When u say the word life many things can be related to this word... its like a small thing with big conclusions ,links and etc...

Sometimes i wonder myself.. m i in other dimensions??.. sometime i feel people don't understand me at all,Family and sometime Friends.. After i lost someone really special in my heart.. i was like a blind gal in the world... haiz.. anyway no used to cry over a spilled milk isn't?..no used of me crying over the person that won't guarantees any happy that will last long for me right?..

I realize after a few incident happened to me for the past months in 2008 and 2009.. i adrift far and far away, without realizing it.. I been facing many love crisis for the past months.. and i changed slowly without knowing... its like in a dream... while its all goes just fine and exactly perfect.. things comes to change when a guy i admire and we might have the same thought together have graduated and its was like the perfect time to revealed everything on the eve on Valentines day 09..but in the end it just like the time is not for us to revealed the truth... and then then i get to know another guy.. he was so kind-heart, friendly,sweet and so called romantic guy.. unfortunately he was my dream guy... i thgt i might feel so grateful to found him.. but then others stories clashes and we left just friends.. we have sweet moment at esplanade.. we sit and... its was memorable day.. as we hug, i told him.. my feeling as we look at the cloud,.. and wonders.. but then it was the first time in my life i wasn't alone anymore... and we spent timeless moment like the time never end.. however.. someones i miss those moment i had with him..

But things have changed now.. i cant to rely hopes on the past to make my future a prefect life.. i have to wake up.. and now i totally aware love just making u drown.. and life is a story of u and people that used to fill the characters in the stories...

WE cant never wakes up in the dream of loves, cause it like unbearble for us to leave it..and awake frm it.. but if u keep drowning and sleep.. u can never see what the reality of each day trying to tell u.. =)

Nana Pendek...

Why must be egois???.. =(

2009-08-16T19:19:00.000-07:00

Life been so s**k these days.. This morning just got scolded from dad, well i dont get it .. did i done something wrong by asking where have they been to till they reached home late in arnd morning??..If it so, im concerned ,coz my mum not feeling well so if my mum wasn't feeling well they shld headed home early so mum wld get a gd rest after a Wedding invitation.Haix..As a reward instead of compliments he scolded me.. i get so frustrated .. as everyone in this house are like "Mind your own business!"...So what the word "FAMILY" stands for??...Well im played my role a daughter and im just concerned... Seems that ppl in this house cant be asked at all.. hmm well that i better mind my own business as well.. I m much more happier ...

The thing i hated most is querraling with dad.. He like a army that will killed everyone even though sometimes you were on the right side.. He assumes every words u say is a offence.. typical parents... cant be advised..., Sometimes i the one feel guilty even though i know my intention to correct him when he was wrong..., im not trying to teaching him.. but i believe as human being you make mistakes.. he correct me when im wrong..but why does he must be go egois when im correcting his??..like i say before typical parents.. Sometimes my mum cant be bothered looking at us querralling.. She just stand and be nobody..

Even though i querreling with dad.. the most person im closed to is HIM.. Strange things work...
Even thing might not work as they shld be..sometime a querrel are another gd thing to understand "us" better.. Dad i love u so much!!!.. Your'e my soul.. i love u dad!!!.. if i wld have a boyfriend.. You are still on the top of my heart... i love u dad!!!!.. and honey (If my soon i have a bf .. U jgn jealous kae syg.. )hehehe.. daddy!!!! i LURP U!!!!!!..

From being so HEARTLESS.. it might lead you as well to GUILTINESS feeling unforgiving to yourself..

2009-05-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

Today was my First day NDP Dikir Barat training...

AFter all.. im kind of excited...

Well when i we was practising.. my fren pointed me "Was that guy on the stage is Raden?"... Well im just not sure.. coz i got cock eye.. i cant regconised ppl easily.. and when ppl calling him Hamdan.. my fren pretty sure it was him.. well he was my fren God bro b4..

And now when i was practising.. and lookin at him..i think it pretty sure it was him.... when i talk about this guy u must be wondering who and what this guy got to do with me??...

This story happenned 1 yr past...

Well my fren herself introduce heim to me.. in msn..
and after awhile we kind a close..
And till one day he wanted something special in our frenship..

He confessed to me he love me.. and wanted to be with me..
But at that moment my heart was tight to a guy whch i love him..
So this guy wanted me to give him a answer.. and he really sad and keep asking me. wat so special in that guy that till i cant give him the placed.. Is not i cant.. but the guy i love was strong in my heart that time.. and im not a hypocrite.. while attached my heart was still on other guy.. and in fact i dont want to hurt his feeling.. After all i dont mean to hurt his feeling.. if i have that opportunity i wld give it all to him(raden)...

And i remmber the night he waited for my answer...
I was with my fren.. and he msg me.. something sound like this.. " Will u accept me??".. and i know my answer was a NO.. actually i wanted to know whether the guy i ws having heart on him will he give any same feeling back to me.. coz we have so called a chrismtries.. but then He(Raden) was so impatient.. i all stressed up and give up on both of this guys.. coz i need time to get it all straight and not a regretable answer.. after all happened.. i rmberd im changed..

IM changed to be a unregconised gal... im the heartless gal when i was that moment.. i nvr tried to understand ppl feeling..
but then.. he really wanted to help me.. even though he say its ok if u cant accept me.. but atleast let me help u to changed old u.. to the old Nana i know.. i ws so heartless.. i nvr give him that chances to help me.. and i rmmbred i mit him for first and last time.. he wanted to talk to me and wanted to spend his time the whole day with me n we escaped from classes... but then i disagreed..After a while he follow mine decisions for disagreed miting him.. but after awhile i decided to mit up.. but this time he dont want.. i try my best cheer him so he will mit me.. and i told him ok.. lets mit tmw.. and see whether i can bring the old Nana back..i tried( actually i wanted to look at his face to face, so that from the eye i can see whether he really being true or lieing),we set time and place then...

We mit.. and i walk a further distance frm him..then he hugs me,. from the back,.. and say.. "u pls i wont leave u".. im kind of short so its easy for him to hug..

Then we go Macdonald and talk.. he keep trying to help.. as i say i was so heartless.. then i told him i wanted to go to sch.. adn he keep holding me back.. n he grabbed my hand not to letting me go...and i keep pulling tis off him.. till i say this.. " i tak nak tgk muker u agik!"(i dont want to see ur face again!).. then he shock and asked.. "btl u tak nak tgk muker i agik?"(really? u dont want to see my face again?).. and i wasn't look to him and i say.. "yes.."even though i know i did that i wasnt look at his faced..

Iknow i was a cruel isint it?!.. but as i say i was cruel i cant think clearly.. and then he still begging.. i know im sad.. but that time i m heartless gal.. then he sing me a song.. song called "Farhanah" as we waiting for my bus to come.. then i say if u read the lyrics clearly of the song its like (farhanah)she was a bustard.. at that time i wasn't aware wat i was saying.. As my bus reached.. he still like insisting me go...but i leave him.. as he standing at the side, i can see with a heart broken feeling conquered him..

I look at him all the way and he where he was till i algined in the bus he was standing there till my bus driving out frm the interchnge.. he do msg me... and say "im lied about brging old me back..." and all sad msges.. .. till i didn't reply him the last msg..

He wanted me to deleted the song that he give me is cold.. "Pelangi Petang" whch my fav song.. and he also say he deletd my pics... and from that moment.. we forget each other already..

"Pelangi Petang" the song while we hearing together over the phone.. Then i remmberd i keep denying that the song starting was a girl.. and he keep cpnvinving me its was a guy in Malay translation i talked to him " U part nie yg nyanyi cam pompan jer u.." Raden reply " Taklah its guy lah syg"...that the part i cant forget..

But when it all past suddenly this what im feel.. i feel im HEARTLESS!!!!.. i don't even spare any chances to him... wat kind of gal im ... and now.. i feel so guilty and sad.. and dissappointed to myself....

Then kind of recently i unblocked him frm my msn.. and i begged for his apology..and he did accept my apologys... what i can say the way he chat with me kind of harsh... he changed his toned towards me.. but i dont blame him.. coz its my fault...
and i told him everything that im feeling guilty..and he forgive me.. he say he already forget it all.. hmm but now.. its effected to me.. as life have to go on... that the story...

Remember Past doesnt mean it only stay there.. but its will effected your future..so do a right decisions for yourself and ppl arnd you.. coz Your Life are effecting thiers if your decisions got to do with them..

Nana...

Nothing just let it go arites...

2009-04-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

160309 is the day i know you are back.. And i been like locking myself in the prison. I know i put the hope on you but once my love have gone. but i still yearn for it.. And today 300309 night the day i get to know eveything and im happy as well abit of sad.. but atleast i know i don't owe him anything anymore.. coz last year, --/--/08. we have a great chemistry .. pls allowed ,e to keep those sweet moemnt for life.. Especially the first eye contact.. maybe we are fated not to be together...

finally i found my answers, and im closing the chapter of this Long loves..

2009-03-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

Finally yesterday i get the answer i been waiting all these long.. For the first time i brave up myself and msg him..I not sure why yesterday i think of that.. and i pray hard to God ALLAH SWT.. i pray hard for few days past... and yesterday i really pray hard.. n finally he showed me the way.. as i pray i said.. Only he knows what good or bad for me.. and i surrender my life story upon to him..

Indeed, He showed me the way.. And i start to msg him.. at first i m kind of nervous.. but then he reply me back.. i asked whether he regconise my number, and he did with great surprised expression.. as it showed all over in his sms...

i continued smses him.. and he reply every of my msg.. and when he himself msg with give me a full of joy when he said he was wif his "ehem".. when i saw that word.. maybe most ppl shld think i wld be sad.. but it not!!.. its brings up smile to my face.. Let me explain why... So i know that i dont feel like owing him any loves.. because all the while i cant except any other guy in my mind bcoz due to him.. so now its like everything is clear enough that nothing for me to worried about anymore,.. And after that i can feel the relief in my heart bcoz i know we are not hoping ....

So its mean we werent fate for each other... And i accept that coming.. as last post i do say i forced myself to forget him.. and indeed.. i forget all the love and everything but only one thing i cant forget about him that we have its the precious little memory we used to gain... so it wasnt a difficult for me to forget him.. and now i just wanna treat him as my friend.. actually i have people that i admire.. but at last i prefer to have them as my friends rather then they keep themselves far away from me... who the person.. just let me keep it in my heart..

Hurt?

I do feel abit of sad.. and wonder.. bcoz i cant still remember the past ...
while i with my friend.. i was hangout with him.. but then his fren come... so i leave my small beg on the table.. and unfortunatley, he put his belongings on my beg... while i sit on a table that kind of facing other table.. coz im kind of embrassed to it infornt of the guys arnd.. so after im done.. i fetch myself a tissue which in my beg... and then.. i taking my beg.. while he abt to removing his belongings frm my beg.. he stared at me as i look at him as well in the eyes... and i slowly turned my faced off him.. and my heart was raced hard after that.. after that i cant stopped thinkin of him... as i was strucked by his smile which wins my heart...

we have great memories.. mgt not great for him but it is for me.. but i just wanted to keep this memories till end...

we love to play Tekken together... and we also like to joke arnd, i dont want to forget the memories.. as it cant be found anywhere or been repeated the same day,time n feelings..

IM feel so well Thanks!.. to Allah SWT...without His Guidence and showing me the door of truth maybe i wld have been hoping far than now.. atleast i know theres the end now.. I pray that he wld happy with his love.. and i also hope he have a great time .. about the past actually its still sad for me.. but i shld be gald that now my door of hearts is opened..

DO we have the same way??

Maybe i and him do have the feel love toward each other.. that we both dont know.. Its was bcoz my fren sometime keep saying abt ltr my boyfriedn scold all the thingy.. maybe he have turned or sacrifice it loved for me, and forget me.. as same goes to me.. i have guys liking me.. but for me.. i rejectted them just for him.. and maybe we have same way.. and maybe we just losed the hopes.. but however i think it cant be rewind as i guess he have throwned the memory and love far away.. and make way for others.. as for me i keep the place specially reserved for him.. but i think we both can get over it.. means we both already forgetting the past...

To all.. Loved sometimes doesnt means holding but it also sometimes about letting go...
and somtimes its better we be friends atleast u not losing him/her.. but now for me everythin have past.. i have to moved forward.. its a sad for me.. but i have to forced myself to look infornt.. and refer at the back as my dictionary of mistakes that i shldnt repeat.. Its hurt to lost him i do admit i gone thru the pains to forgetting him.. times is wat u needed.. frens is wat we want to brg up the cheers.. so closed this chapter of life.. and open new chapter tmw.. as i found my qns finally come with the answers.. and now im closing this chapter,, and shall not be think again.. it wld be only as refer so that i cld help my frens that mgt have the same situation as me..

1st thing u have to have Faith in God.. He knows what the best for us.. thats wat i do..

Kepade melayu.. percayelah terhadap Ajal,Maut dan Jodoh itu di tanganNye..

Well tc frens!!!

24th March 09..... wishes...will it come true??

2009-03-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

There nothing could be done to save the memories as the pole i used to hold on have been rusted in time,which no longer be there to hold it strong. Nothing left but hopes which all shuttered. Pls give me the courage to continued my life, as nothing left for me to hold on in this word of LOVE..

In the dreamt we were given the opportunity to confess our feeling... But in the dream the words are kept repeating over and over again.. and then u vanished.. For me now.. its sad that all of myfeeling towards u cant be saved.. i tried to hold where ever i can.. but then its too late... i have thrown all the memories we had with u in the ocean in my heart...even now nothing i cld hold..

My love and heart toward u before its all gone.. i guess its too late to turn over everything... I yearned for true love..but i guess it wasnt for me.. i been waiting... and tring to stand up straight... I tried to find all the love and memeories we had before. but its hard for me to look at it back.. as i alraedy cried badly o letting it all go of my mind and my life... Now i realsied.. when the thing we wanted the most it wont come.. but when we thrown it away it start to came back..

SYAFIQ... i cant cried as no more tears i hold after the last thing i did which i think it benefits for us... But it was a big mistake...Today is 23rd March 09 which tmw will be my birthday... I should be happy and excited as i know 18 is wat i been waiting for.. but then it dont seem wat i waiting for all the while.. Syafiq i alwaes pray hard.. but then now all of the feeling have gone.. how can i revealed everything back?... Theres nothing...i pray hard my birthday wishes will come true...

Forgeting u it not i intend to do..

2009-02-11T04:30:00.000-08:00

ello...

i guess after today or tmw.. we might not seeing each other again, as i heard form many students that tmw will be a graduation day..

I saw at escalator goin to swimming pool area.. and i tired to called and make conversation to u.. but i guess, i wasnt able to catched u.. i admit.. i kept this feeling abt u... I love u..,

i tried a few times.. but today was abt the day.. but suddenly its like i got the feeling telling me not to turned back to sch.. as after that i go out ...

but as i walked with my friends my heart cant bear the pain of tears cryin out.. and now i cried badly...

THE MEMORIES

* Even though there wasnt much we spent time together,..
But i still rember..

* The first met...

* When i was sitting down with my friend WC.. while waiting for u and ur friends.. after awhile u came and i was eating.. and i left my bag on the table u put ur belonging on my bag.. as i wanted to take my stuff.. u looked me in the eyes...

* and same goes during a teambuilding when it over i saw u... and there once more u satrae d me in the eyes..

* And during in the pool... we joke arnd by multiplaying games in psp.. and we intend to have another match again. but it wasnt..

* U came when i was playing pool with my friends and i was alone standing.. u and i was like tryin to make a conversation, i freshed in my mind u asked me " how many u have won today?"(roughly) and i take a themes of billabong in ur hp to my W910i..

* When i and friends come to Swimming pool.. go swim and u approuched me.. and asked for something.. and i saw u swimming welled..

* There time in pool u talking to me "what m i doing?" while u pass thru after booking tables for ur frens..

* ANd u hurt me most when i saw u and WC.. the first thing u say out to me is.. "where is your boyfriend?" , if u wasnt realize my heart cant accpet any other guy rather than only u... it hurt me when u say that way... i admit u saw me mixed with many guys.. but they wasnt as special as i know u..

* and more sitting wih u ,chatting with u, laughing with u.. and more..

* and I saw u when i peeking looking u in the swimming pool..

and today the last if we werent meeting again!...

..

I just wanted u to know that if after today i wont be mittingu again..

i will clipped all the memories we had, to the bottemless in my heart..
bcoz u the FIRST guy i ever loved ..and it reaally hard for me to forget u...

I put all the faith in God.. , i believed in Him ... I believe he knows what the best for me as welled for u... I have to fight all the emotions.. but i admit i cant!!.

im not gibing up.. but i cant just stay loveing u and yearned for u while there no end to it!... i cant keep rejecting guys that wanted to eneter to my life and making me happy.. because my happiness in ur hands...

i guess if u go.. i have to let this memories or lloved i carried the burden these days off...

i just hope the memories will died with u in my heart!.. i admit u r the guy for me.. there wasnt more nor nothing less in u that wat i searching for in a guy ...but i guess u wont be mine.. afterall..

I wish all lovers happy valentines day...

I lost mines..which it wont be back....
which will died with my bottomless cryness heart...

as for me i will celebrates Valentines alone means crying in my heart alone...

I wanted u to know forgeting u is not i wanted to do, but i cant contd my life if the memories of u in my minds.. and i cant accpet other guy.., i cant stand when looking deep to the memories path we had before..

and i just ur name will fade slowly as it will peeled off my skin of heart piece by piece and it hurts when ur images in my mind fading..

IT pain.. but i left with no choice.. i i have the choiced i wanted to keep all of it.. but i cant....

SYAFIQ.....

Nana..

Did they ever hear it?,

2009-01-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

Im sorry, it the last words i cld say to my (special persons).. i can't turn back to ur old girl that u used to know..

i dont mean to be wat u dont want me to be (dedicated to special person).. but U didint give me your attention since i was very young.. i was left kept left alone.. and dont get enough of your loves..
You dun even brg me the place i alwaes wanted to go..and till i grow up.. i find my way there alone.. and i managed to be the placed i yearned for yrs.

You left me cried alone.. and i been fightin all those feelin..

Do u ever know that ppl bullying me?,
Do you know that ppl are making fun of me?..,
Do you know that they make me be the smallest girl by hurting me with thier insulting words?,,
Do you know ppl take advanatage of me?... ,
Do you know i alwaes want your care??,
Do you know i want ur love and concerned??
Do you know i was the middle person with no one?
Do you know that slowly im changed?,
Do you know slowly of im changed due to lost of ur loves and attention?,...
Do u know that i been being this way due to my anger and sadness in me?..

and importantly..

DO U EVR WANT TO HEAR MY WORDS??...

U been letting me crying alone..

I know u are hurt with my way now.. but im sorry , i been hurts yrs ago....

I cried in me.. where only my hearts listened to it.. nobody else..

If only u wld listened.. i wont turn up this way..and you wont be asking why i m this way.. but too bad, u let it all go..

Im sorry.. that the word i cld say...

<<>>

Nana

My last day in 2008... i going to miss u

2008-12-30T06:50:00.000-08:00

ello

After the watch strike 12am.. tit was going the last day of yr 2008...

For me i wont forget this memoriable year.., i wont forget my this year ITE 1st life.. and after tmw ends its was end to my Ite chapter of life.. why was time run too fast!..Im going to miss this year so much.. ti was because this where i was challenge with alots of consequnces decision.. But I make it thru here.. i hope next year wld be another memoriable year.,

Now i hope i will found my life partner.. which going will love me.., and together we will be serious in it.. I have to let the guy that i secretly loved go off my hands.. even though i loved him deep inside i have to let him go.. he nobodys.. he just someone that was dark in me that used to make my smiles on.. haix.., but i have great time with all of my frens, Lin Han. Lin Bin,Wei Chein,Safri ,Edwin and statish.. this ppl have together spent my time.. and my others classmates..., theres alot that we goin and faced together.. and the firts time we met is still freshed in my mind.. haix.. but i gue ed now it over..

To my friends..Thx for spending those wonderful moments with me.. and for those that we dont get the opportunity to get know.. i do hope we will get closed in the future.. hmm

Best Wishes

I wish i wld be happy with all the people that make me happy.. i wish they wld not leave me alone.. i wish i wld get to find my true loved... and i hope for world peace.. i hope every one wld have a great yr for next yr... I also do hope my life wld be more cheerful with happy ppl surrounded me.. and hope all ppl have long-live,happy with their love ones..and have good health.. hmm i goignt o missed 2008.. =(...

NANA

Dedicated to all... Im sowie...im such a idoit. i admit..

2008-12-24T08:24:00.000-08:00

ello..

Im sorry for wat im have done.. now im lost .. i know maybe at this stage ppl might pissed off with me.. haix... if u also pissed out with me.. i begged please dont leave me.. i really lost in my oneself.. ppl migt c im norm.. but if u read certain in my blog.. u will know y..., its not i wantd to be this way.. but it hard.. I wanted to shared with ppl.. but i dont want later they sick and tired of hearing the prob im facing.. I dont mean to hurt anyone..

What i feel is i lost my smile and my happiness my old me.. ppl mgt c im norm.. but only i know tat im not me that used to be.. i wanted to get out frm here.. from the darkest nightmare im here... Wat im want is.. pls bring the brightnest of happiness in me.. pls.. i beg.. i sad over lost a fren that used to shared his smile or happiness abt his life.. and now i cldnt afford anymore.. ppl keep jealous wif me abt thing abt i being close to my fren whch i close to is their love ones.. I cant afford to faced all this anymore!!!..and the most i cant bear its keep repeating!!!.. feeling like running.. this the reason y i cant be old me arites.. bcozz my happineess wif my fren have been given to them ... It was so not unfair to me... i lost them to scarifice my fren happiness.. I cant hardly smile anymore.. my brain cant stop thinking of this and my changes!!!!.. ARRRHHHH!!! MAKE THIS ALL STOP!!!!!!!! >> ITS HURTING MY BRAIN!!!!!

PPL if u dun hear my scream,.. its bcoz im screamming in me.. in mE!!!!!!...

I need to u to understand that i was with ur love ones is bcoz i just wnated to help them with their problems and i wanted to c thier happiness wif u and for our frenship that its.. when my fren r happy.. means Thats make me happy by sharing abit of it.. But all of u are selfish!!!!!!!.. u dun let even wanted to shred abit of ur happiness wif me.... I KNOW I CAN CHOOSE TO LET THIS THINGS AWAY OFF MY MIND>> BUT WHY I CHOOSE TO THINKS OF IT>> BECOZ IF I FORGET ABT THIS MEANS I can forget abt my happiness and my life.. that the reason y im being this ways.. i cant leave this way when i surpposed to make ppl happy but its seem im the cause of their rotten relationship.. ITs happen in a row non-stop.. maybe the first time i cld stop thinking.. but as it contd i cant!!!!!... i feel like leaving all of it with their love ones... but most ppl are stopping me from doing it.. i cant bear looking at them and beg for me not to go.. but my heart was like being caned!!..

Lastly Im sorry friend.. this y im being this way.. its going to hunt me till the end if it nvr stop.. I dun mean this not to be shared.. but when i wanted to say i just forget when the words at the tips of my mouth that going to speak just gone.. I m sowwie..

Nana,..

I really hope u understand i dun want to be this way..

tc,,
NANA

In seconds i m was lost..

2008-12-24T06:40:00.000-08:00

ello.. haix..

hmm i was on9 wif a guy that i add in my msn.. but we rarely tok.. n now.. we get to know each other ,..... well i got certain info abt him.. n he told me he got two licensed motor and car....

So he asked whether tmw im goin out.. so i say i am... whch im not.. he said he wanted to accompany me me.. and wnated to abrg me for a ride at his motorbikes too.. then he even also asked me go drink and smoke along with him.. like give a try together... i feel like wanted to.. coz nvr ever ppl asked me go drink b4.. and this like first time.. And he also a first time so it like we experiened it together.. haix.. but my friend find out ... i not intentionly tell my friend.... and that person goes really mad at me.. now i sacred if that person and others going to scold me.. haix.. and that guy was also said he give me a treat on the drinks.. but then after i realsie.. my fren told me if u rmmber ur other closed fren u better dun do it.. and i also told the guy i dun want go drink with him.. and he like asking me to go with him.. but then i realise My fren is the more important.. n this new person i meet shld not be easily be trusted.. haix.... its ok then.. i think even though now i like alone.. it better i be alone.. bcoz ppl arh bz lately and i cant alwaes depend on them.... Im realli sowie.. butno worries i wont go drink wif him.. i said i dun want dtrongly.. i realise if i do that the thing im destrying is myself and my relationship life.. haix..

IM SOWIE PLS DONT LET ME ALONE....

nana

Old me is better.. new me is so sucks!..

2008-12-22T05:48:00.000-08:00

haix!!!!!...

I feel so sad.. i was on9 wif my juior JK.. i cant bare to hear that he said he missed me.. and wanting for me to turn back to secondary sch.. haix.. i miss him cause hes my only friend in my band.. i miss my clarinet SO MUCH!!!!.....

My Life seem hard!! im losting my band which so precious in my heart.. now it making me turn back to my old path,... Band i missed u.. i missed my junior ... i will turn back .. i will buy new clarinet if i cld.. I loves music.. i guessed the past have teaches so many things and they have make me a strong me now here..

but now i guessed strong me have turn me to a wilder way to be stronger.. but i changed to different directions!... i turns to a black wild hearts... theres no nid to say much.. but i nid to turn back to old NOR FARHANAH BINTE ABD RASHID and old NANA.. not now me..

haix... missing my ways.. lost my directions.. yearning my loves...
nana

anyone?.. will u give me a hand?...

2008-12-17T10:23:00.000-08:00

hAix.. these day my holiday seem to be boring ... MY friend all are busy.... Im the one that nothing to do.. now what i feel is really upset.. with myself... i feel everything like away from me.. . There nothing i cld do...., i hope that this story cld turn around.. while in my head still thinking of sufian.. that his gf jealous abt us... and now he was like running away from me.. and he mgt do for the best for his self and his gf or maybe me.. but after all its hurt me as he like running away from me, i not sure what he trying to do to prove to his gf that he sincere or wat.. but i alwaes support him to do the best for his life that will make him happy even though its hurts.. i cant do anything else.. i have to accept.. but if he break up with his Gf.. i guess im the coz of it and i mgt feel guilty for life.... however it was.. i hope to see back my smile and my happiness.. sick of all this things surrounded me..

can i have those things back?.. i miss my emotions of happiness and joyness.., pls i cant bare to stay on in darkness of my sadness.. which its like killing me apart....

Friends?.. i not sure whether u r reading my blog.. but cld u shared abit of your happiness with and and pls dun give up on me.. i need alots of support rite now to turn back to happiness of me.. i dun want to stay like this anymore.. =(..

Nana aka Jagungz

PART I & PART II of Nana

2008-12-13T00:32:00.000-08:00

ello..
i know this kind of long.. but its all true arites.. lately its wat i feel..

PART I: WHY M I BEING THIS WAY

What the meaning of me here..Sick and tired of being unappreciated!.. Its better im off this way, there no use of me standing here... wat for??... When i feel unappreciated at all... I feel its better im off this way... REally 2 Sick and tired of unappreciated.. =( When im standing here and look at the city...My heart just feel the greatness of loneliness that standing straight... I just a loner, No one know what im going thru..Even though i share wat the used?!... i can feel that im becoming bad gal!!!!... Nw feelin like wantd to go d..... N tat it just be bad, Whats the point being good n u r not feet appreciated, its better i be bad, atleast i know no one care,there so dark heart in me till i cant pull old me back... i m so heartless!!..

Haix... I go thru alot of sadness n cryness, i guess its time for me to goes deeper changes!.. i guess no one cld help me now!.. i was drown alone in my black heart.. i cant cry anymore, there no more tears left in me.. if i got back.. that all the coz of a black heart in me.. if i had to change old me, theres alot of path that i have f gone thru , but i guess it, juz impossible... old me f gone.. im change damn far!..

From Silient of me and cheerful.. till the lost in me that too far for me to turn back..Even i turn down on many ppl... i wont balme them for ignoring me bcoz whu can tolerate a person like me?.. I can feel a wind is accompany by my side whenever or whatever im at!... Haix, there nothing cld be done as it alredi fate.. All euphoria(happiness) in me have gone.. and old nana have gone for good.. IM NOT EMO!, but its all true.. When im in the city i feel that im smaller than any other else...

PART II: Over me again??!!!
ello..

from bad to...

Even Worsed!.. when my closed fren Sufian have quarrel with his GF over me!!...

I cant get it why does ppl alwaes jealous of me?.. it was a wrong if i be closed to my friend that already got theirselve a stead?... If NOT!!.. WHY... WHY... WHY!!!!.... , why must they quarrel over me?... I tiring to be nice and help ppl that needs me.. and when i help them.. i was the one at risk!!!... PPL pls understand i got NO MORE Friends.. who r there.. they r the one i have.. i cant stand it anymore.. when ppl quarrell in their relationship is over me!!!... I can feel instead of being a helper.. i can feel that i bcoming a relationship rottener!!!!... I have faced this not onlly with this fren but several already... Haix.. God If this keep happening.. i guess i have to fuck off from everybody lifes!!, i will be alone... and let me contd new my life alone without frens... i cant stand all this.. im happi to see my fren happy in their relationship and i just wanted abit of thier smile of happiness to be shared with me.. if i the coz or their sadness it better i don't be here anymore.... I m sorry friends.. i been crying and tired to look for other way for solution.. but i guess maybe i will go on with being alone.. if there no way out for me... Now i guess no one can help me after all.. I prefer being alone searching myself my own happiness... I know my life alone wld be a horrible thing its just like i surrender myself to the wild..

Nana

aka

black heart!

Where r u??.. haiz u r my truly...

2008-11-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday nite, it like a sad day for me...

It was because Alif and yana going to celebrate thier 3rd anniversary today.. and its like i was being alone by myself then....

Poor2 me..

Being alone and all alone..

i wasnt allowed to walked alone.. and wasnt allowed by alif and yana.. for my own good..

The reason they do tis.. due to my sick with juz recovered.. which not fullly recovered..

I juz wonder where can i go.... hmmm its like so bored.... if i just go home straight... haix...

anyone wld like to accompany me??...

hmm.. then yesterday i get anonymous msg from sound.. that sy " i wait for you to stead with me or something...?" haiz.. juz keep wondering who..however who it is... i hope the person being truthfully and face and say the truth... not by playing hide and seek and keep myself wonder who was the person...., i don bother to know either... and at the yesterday nite.... i was chat with another new person.. whch Yana's God Brother.... well we juz have a normal conversation.. as i got nothing much to say abt myself... haix.. then my friendster like was affected background virus... it cant be opened... and i damn worried....

TODAY,...

WHy i dreamt about u...?

Where r u?

why u r coming in my dreams?, i been callling ur name when i saw u but u juz ignored me.. in the dream....

and why werent we juz met in the real life?..

I miss u.. , its like 8 years we been sperated...

why i didint give u that chance... why that the last time we met just a welcoming smile...

i know i rejected u past years.. i do that becoz i was not understanding ur heart... it like everything was clear in my mind... we go reccess together.. From u i start to advising ppl.. and i still doing it till now.. its like u r my very first fren which approuch my helped... and tell me ur feeling.. On that very day.. we like a gd best fren.. i stilll keep ur pic.. ur name still fresh in my mind....i got a new best fren wif helmi and present ppl i met.. but unluckily we cant last long... like we last our friendship... i know i hurt ur hurt badly... but now i wanted to pay for very drip of ur blood whch fall on the floor because of me... I make u cried... i know i feel bad.. u like the first guy that admire me... even we saw each other a few months ago.. we just smile... and u were with a girl.. i not sure whether it ur fren or ur GF.. but however if she was ur GF... i hope she will make u happy.. as i already pray for ur happineess for the last 8 years... and i also rmmberd my words that i say to u... " mudahan2 awak akan dapt pompan jauh baik dari kiter.." i feel so guilty of saying that and u say to me "Dulu nuriadah yg hancur kan hati kiter.. skrg awak lak.. kenper org suker sakit kan hati kiter"... i cried when u say that... everyday after sch we wait each other at sch gate... and we go home together....

But if only i cld return to our past and i wld accept ur love.. coz now i realize...no one can gib the pureness friendship of gal and boy,my first step to dvising ppl, and my first admire.. .....

and ur friendship with me like a pure.. when everything changed after i hurt ur feeling.....

I still remmber the smile we give each other for tej last few months.. if we meet.. i wld like to spend our time.. like the days we had last time...

even after we come back the farewell party in pri sch.. and u say maybe we cld go on in a study grp... and that the last time we saw each other...

MUSTAPHA BIN KAMARULZAMAN,..... Ur named are here.. in my heart... pls come back..

i miss u fren..

And now i got frens that alwaes being with me/casual.. Yana,Nina,Wanie,Eerah,Alif,Sufian,Rufian,Safwan,Aidil,Safwan,Lin Han,Lin Bin,Wei Chien,Edwin,Safri..and family....( i dont want to lost this ppl.. they the ppl that only i have at this moment..even ther some i not really closed with.. but they have being there and be a nice fren wif me.. n i shld treasure them ..)

*To ppl that reading my blog... Im sorry if any parts o my words hurt u,... despite from this story.. i learned to respect ppl feeling.. and trying not to hurt anybody else.. this one guy i hurt already make me regret...

*nana*

im change.... =(

2008-10-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

Nana smile have gone,

elllo...

Today i check my frenster and i received comment from my cuz.. she say im changed.. n i try to aske my fren.. yana and alif.. and they agreed.. they say.. im like not having much fun or not really me.. and i rough on my words... i like to do stupid stuff.. and more.. i can bear listen anymore.. im changed alot!!!!!!
i admit i myself skip or to be exact cabut class even my classmate edwin asked.. im i ok?.. i just hate myself!!!!!!!!!.. y i being such a i***t!!!! .... i think i lost my interest in study... and i lost my concerntration!!!!!.. i changed!!!... I know i hurt ppl around me!!!.... i advice on others but i the one the give up with myself!!!!!.. thx to them to telling me the truth.. im grateful to have them arnd to alert me... but now i hope it not too late for me to change...truth is i lost my concerntration in my course now.. its like 0% in my mind abt my course.. im worried.. bt maybe i try to get the rid of my worried by being a bad girl!!.. i escape class.. i come late for lesson.. and i can c ppl also dun even bothered abt me anymore..... i dun blame them for doing that bcoz if i was them i will do the same thing too.. and my family nvr knows what happent to thier dearest daughter and sister.. this girl here have changed ... she no longer regconised.. i hurt many ppl.. i hurt my classmate i usually hang out... i hurt my frens, i hurt my cuzzin.. and my teacher.. edwin told me.. Y u like this?.. i got no answer to say to him.. bt i know i alrady hurt him ..... wat i feel now days... im lost.. i admit i cut my hand... i do even hangout wif ppl that throw bad influence to me( outsider ppl) but dun blame them its me myself not he or her.. i go out by myself... i think when the time im alone.. im finding myself back.. i think im finding peace to my mind.. . ppl even advice me to fin myself a BF so i cld shared my prob with him.. but i juz.. cnt think directly now... i nid someone to be my backbones...bt i dun want to have BF juz to throw my prob the him.. and i belive i cld do it on my own... even i feel badly i tried my best to stand up back.. sorrie to my frens.. no worries nana will fight to be old her....

tc.. im sorry...

*nana*

memories in me wont fade just like a wind,

2008-10-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

To the Dearest..
I feel lost... I can feel the emptiness in me.. I can feel something not right..
what ever it was.. i know why i feel this way.. i just wld like to pray the best for them.. Theres nothing i cld do now.. rather than surrender my fate to God.. It was because no one knows what we feel accept for Him.. I pray hard and hopes all this come in a solution and end with a peace way.... What i cld say is I apologise.... Today what was i been thinking is only about them.. nothing else....I wonder what will my life be?... I surrender everything.. my fate,luck,happiness even life story to Him now.. i cant think of any other thing.. now what i been think what are they been doing lately now...however i alwaes pray that they will be fine and doing well ....

tc to all my friends if u are readin my blog...

" theres nothing i cld do just to wish the best to u both...i will alwaes pray for the best to u both...I apologise.."

*nana*

To my dearest friend.. Yana and Alif..

2008-10-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

I will not bother you both again.. I will scarifice for the sake of gaining your trust back. I apologise, If what im done have hurt you both. I rather hurt you both, rather then you questioning my turst towards you. It was because it hurts me even more.. I do apologise if i change my attitude.. But theres nothing i cld do rather than go back to my old ways.. I dont blame anyone,accpet myslef.. It was because i the one make u questioning my trust... I know i love u both alot!!!!.... but i cant stay around u both anymore.. I wont forget the times we enjoyed together.. yana and alif.. u both means so much to my life...... Pls do take care yourself... in no matter what happen.. my spirit is wif u both alwaes.. i apologise i might not able to be there when u both nids me.. But u have to put the faith in God now.. I will no more there for u both... i see this all before.. i dont want it to happened again...., no matter what happens im still ur fren.. i alwaes somewhere in u both.. thanks, for bringing, and sharing ur joy with me.. and shared ur smile wif me.. i really appreciated it alots!!!!.. I wantd to do this for the sake of all of us good... pls dont asked why i react this way.. what im doing is a scarification for ur relationship... i cldnt afford to see ur relationship fall aprt juz becoz of me... because i cant afford to lost my precious fren in my life..... Illyana and Aliff.. this might the last msg of me to u both... i will not contacting u guys for some time .. Pls leave me alone.. i do this to gaining ur trust back!!..(cries)......... I really wantd to apologise.. from the top of my hair to the bottom of my toe.. I will alwaes rmmber u guys in my heart... Thanks for all ur concerns, and ur friendship that u throwed non stop to me.. .. lastly

gdbye..
takecare my friend..

my pray alwaes wif u both*
tc..

" To Yana and Aliff.. aku mintak maaf atas keputusan aku buat.. .. maafkan lah.. .. aku dah alami semua dgn Yiling gan Eugune... aku tak nak kiter smapi jadi musuh mcm aper terjadi pada aku dgn drg.... dari itu lebih baik aku yg mengundur diri.. dari krg.. Aku memohon keampun kpd korg..tc.. Assalamualaikum"

1st Raya, is rotten!!!,

2008-10-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

ello..

Today the 1st Syawal, ,most family will go out in the morning and visit thier families and relatives.. but not for me... i didnt ... i stay at home.. i go no one house.. or either ppl come to my house... i dont feel today like raya.. but i know the fact that today is raya.. they having great time.. but not me.. but before Ramadhan left me.. i cried badly.. i just wonder why??, i never cries if Ramadhan left me.. but i dunnoe why i cry this year.. my heart sank deeply to the bottom of my heart.. and its worsen on the 1st Syawal...I just wonder.. why this month i feel this way.. i kept asked myself the answer, y,....y,.....y....,???.. Is this my last Raya??.. Or last Ramadhan???.. i tried my very best not to think of this .,... but it leave me no choice now.. to think of it...My heart sometime feel empty... i admit i wore.. baju raya,make kuih for Raya and even prepared for raya.. but i wonder y i dun feel it(Raya season)!!!.. haiz.. and weird is..usually when Raya season i will nvr be this hyper..eg do preparation,... and its so weird...the only thing i feel is Ramadhan leave me, but theres alwaes a fate behind it.... i hope tmw will brighten my day.. Nvr asked why i was tested this way... I also dun want to asked... i wantd to see the future.. what the answer is to all my conclusions.... I will patiently wait... for the answer to my conclusion.. If there still no answers, theres nothing i cld says, btw I would to say goodbye to Ramadhan.. and ello to Aidilfitri... even though i dun feel ur presence.. but atleast i know u r there.... i damn sorry... But i cant lied myself..i cant run from the fact that im feeling.. I cant put a fake smile and spread...If u read this.. pls totally ignore my feeling... there nothing u cld do.. when the fate already shows.. when ur heart is empty.. there no point to cheer it,.. it mgt help.. but the pain or emptness will be remain..but i will appreciate what u have done... If i have says something that hurt u,... i really apologise... and pls accept it.. have a great day arites!!... If u have a smile which u know is real and not a fake, go spread it.. bcoz it will works on others that got sames feeling has u too..Lastly i sorry

SeLamAT HAri RayeR!

GoodBye RAmAdhan...

Nana.

Y i shld be here?,, when i can be "there"?

2008-09-28T08:56:00.001-07:00

Ello..

I m gald F Alonso won!!... ..

I wonder y suddenly, i feel i wasnt needed in my family..I just dunnoe y.. Some how its remind me of someone closed to my heart.....I dunnoe y.. but i can feel.. i wanst needed for my family.. shld i go?... but i dunnoe y.. i feel tat i not supposed to be here... but i got no where to go.. My life seem.. so small.. I got some friends that kept me accompany.. and my family is getting far to me.. they nvr wanted to know me.. i feel like wat im opinion.. is against them and they make me feel like im a ungrateful child.. so wat the use of me staying here. if my opinion is alwaes a rude to them.. I feel i got no right to speak... I feel that wat im done is alweas wrong in thier eyes... I wasnt trust by them.. I feel that i kind of outsider sometime.. I nid trust!... i want trust!!.. but t it wasnt given me chance.. Brother!.. its hard for me.. to be in your place... If only i cld see u.. i wanted to tell u.. how much i miss u.. for 17 years!!!.. i yearned for u loved..
no one wld replaced u in my heart..... i will wait till we unite arites..So if u saw the scars in my hand its means i harming myself .. to be wif u...

I nvr forget ya..

MY wonderful day is yesterday!

2008-09-06T01:34:00.000-07:00

ello....

Yesterday i mit my fren after school.. we go play pool to have fun and drag our day out...
and then my another fren come and join us... then we go to my fren house because he want to changes cloth.. so we all take 38 to Tamp interchange and slowwly drag ourselves to the next destination...

WE reach already.. im not comfrotable actully when go to my fren house.. but then they really make me feel welcomed.. And my fren have a little sis and a little bro.. my fren sibling was so approauchable.... they very frenly and nice... I break fast at mmy fren house.. since the mum invite to break fast over.. she told me she feel so delightful that i was able to joined them along. .. i also feel really happy for able to break fast wif them. after that my fren show most of his drawing collection.. im gald to see it.. he have a great talent artist for drawing anime.. as myself i cant even draw as great as him..... however i told him that can he teach me drawing.. and he said oneday he will teach me.. and wat he nid is, me to prepare the stationary for drawing.. after breakfast.. we waited together to go out.. as my fren have to sent me back home as orders from his mum.. and his mum going to a fren house...

We waited at the busstop and wait.. to go back to Tamp interchange.. after tat my throat feeling like eating a corn cup.. so we go a pasar mlm near by the tamp... and i buy for him as well.. we walk and eat .. after a walk he decided to sit so we take a sit and relax for awhile... after that go to the tamp mall and then he sent me to my house blk... and he go home... when i reach home i can feel that yesterday was the wonderfull day .. for me to spent wif his fren,fam and himself.. i hope we wld be gd fren H.....I

nana

2008-08-26T05:14:00.000-07:00

ello.. today i dont talk much... hmm maybe i guess i got no topic to say.... well my day gone slow abit today.. nothing much.. but today i saw most of my friends......

But im sure feel peace today.. it was what i wanted...

Today... I feel the simple life of me...

Nothing much.. relaxed... and mostly peace...

I wont say lonely.. its was because i might get used to be alone.. so to me i prefer more thinking and less talking... Its no use of talking alot. .. That why i prefer peace... i could relaxed my mind and myself too...

But ppl wll say im Emo.... but its not i just prefer to listen song.. that me.. a simple life..

I alwaes hear music to make my mood...

But today i can feel the peace in me... i feel more me.. actually my type of person is a quiet girl.. i wont talk much usually ... i will even more quiet if theres more ppl... its just me...

if ppl dont see my true colour they will know im a quite girl...

i feel so relax..

finally this the moment i been waiting for....

*NaNa*

Was that u, i have been searching for??

2008-08-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Today was a happiest of all i guess.... After school i go Tamp Mall.. and when i just across the road.. i saw my long lost friend!!! Mustapha!!!... I have been hoping to see him.. and i got.. we look in each other.. he smiles at me.. so do i... HE smile till he turns his back on me... And then my fren asked.. "who is that guy that smiling at u??"... i said that was my "friend".. .. i so happy to see him back.. even though he walk with a girl by his side.. maybe his GF or friend.. but he still have that time to give a welcoming smile... I really miss him.. its my dream to see him again.. bcoz we have a precious moment that its hard to forget.. but i alwaes saw his younger sister.. now im happy to saw him... Even thought not a single word we said.. but that smile we showing have given alots of explanation to each other.... I do hope we mit once again... and this time we have a long day to chat and recalled our days....

However I happy... i really hope he have a great life......

yaww!!! sleepy bye2

gtg

2008-08-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

Nana's life

This year i really hope i wld find.. my true2 love... That someone who will be there for my needs... i hope that i would be peace at last and nvr think of wild solutions or answers again.. but i hope the guy that conquered my heart is someone that we are mean for each other... not for a reason...

Why everything involve with love....

2008-08-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

Actually have been kind of long time i been single.. but i was tested by friendship problems... and alots thats links to it.....i thgt when i be single i would be free and happy wif my way and not nid for me to worry about anything else....

Now this year... i m free from friendship problem.....
But then love problem thats next that disturb me... I cant relaxed.... ITs so make me stress.....
MY head is like wanted to explode... IT was becoz of it... I thgt i could relax.. happy and most importantly be free!!!!!!
but it was a mistake... i was tested all kind of love crisis....

But i wont give up.. i hope i will solved it... even though its tough.. but i got no choice .. i cant escaped or even run.. means i running from the facts... and its will still hunt me nomatter wat....

I wont stop thin kof the answer... but mostly i nid is *Peace* to think....

I tried not to bother others.... bcoz theyr might have thier own prsonal problem which might not solved yet.....

I will try standing.. i hope i will find my true love and hopes that the answer to stop all this stress and unrelaxed mind....

Love is so hard to rexist!!!!

but its even more hard to let go...

hope i find the correct answers

*nana*

I wanted this person to know im really2 sorry

2008-07-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

Today i really dont know what have gone into me. I cant control my emotion today. I really regret for what i have say today. I said out alots of vugalrities to my friend. And i surprises when i say that word as i was playing a wireless game with him.. I said the vugalrities as he keep hitting my character..and he shock look at me for what i say...and then i say im really sorry..

I slapped my mouth for saying those words a few times... It was beacuse for my type of person, its hard for me to say out these word unless im really2 angry..

But i feel bad ,, i cant believe it.. just because of a game i throw out all my anger and vugalrities to him...

Even though i know im not mean it.. But it makes me feel bad to say it to him just because of a game stuff...

Haiz.. i think now i should learn to aware of what im saying..

Its hard to say vugalrities when your tougue are not train to do so..

But i really2 dont feel good for what im saying.... evn though i at a angry situation..

Now i have to learn how to manage my anger... i cant just let this habit to continued....

however i wanted this person to know i m really2 sori.. even though i know he not going to view my blog.. i still wish he will forgive me...

IM REALLY2 SORRY FOR MY 'WORDS" TO YOU

=(

Do u found a key??.... Its might be mine...

2008-07-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

A LOST KEY!!!!!!

I cant find the key of my heart, that closed tight.....

I wonder where was the keys ends?...

Its is still with me... which i cant find it??....

Or its out there wandering around to heals itself...

Where ever the keys is... its have make me hunger for its love....

Im tired of people keep saying im stead with someone which im not OR like someone which im not ( but its true sometimes)....

I believe the key of my hearts will return when i found someone that i love....

But i cant lie myself, inside of me wanted someone to make sure im secure,happy,love and being take care of...

But i cant just force my heart to love someone just because i need to fulfill inside of me needs...

I believe when sun without cloud... its will be weird... same goes to Heart and Self needs

when theres Sun and cloud .. its will shade the glaring light of the sun...

when there Heart and Self needs.. i guess i got nothing to lose...

However its is.. i guess this not the first time im lost the key....

I hope to find the key.... I wont force myself to find it... Because Its wont be a true love....

Btw do people actully really know what true love really means??....

Theres will be plenty of answers.. but for my....

A love thats come in it owns way, and attached the both couple hearts together... No matter how long, how far, or how deep the couple was tested.. they will meet/stayed nomatter what....
Even death wont seperate them apart....

I will continued walk at the path of hearts.... till i found the end of its...... Even though its hard to controll this feeling... but i believe i will overcome it....

2008-07-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Hie ....

Today i did the most important thing that i surpposed to end it....
Even though i end it with a sad or a gulity feeling.. atleast now im feeling better...
Its hard to say out at first.. but i go on slowly.. I believe my heart was told to say out my feeling ... im not sure whats oging to come next in my life.. but i m looking forward to face its with full heart, and never stop praying to wish it end nicely....

I hope now i could smile and be happy....
Its hard to say all this thing when especially when u r in the middle of it....
But i did it... finally.....

I hope my life would be a better me...

Bye2
gtg to sleep early for tmw early wake up...
=)

Z.z.z..z

2008-06-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

Now Days, I alwaes dont think straight, i get angry easily. I dont feel right lately what is the nature trying to telling me.. My prob havent solved yet.... The problem matters keep playing on my head... Even though i feel abit peace at home but i know i cant resist it.I wonder if i was tough enough to face alll this....

I wonder What will happen when school reopen....
Would i be happy,Sad,Angry,moody or others emotions...
I wish i could be the old me....

If in your right hand there is GOld and your Left hand there is Diamond
Which will you chosed?

As for me i have to think the consequences before taking any of them.....
I must think which is the more benefit

No matter what challenges is waiting, i wont give up to fight it!

2008-06-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hey Today i accompany Naim to Katong Road... He's taking his no 1 uniform...

And since my sister's workplace is just at the 2nd Storey of the building... We decided to dropped by... After about 45 mins we go off.. to our unsure destination which is Parkway Parade.... We just wandering in the mall doing absolutely nothing... After that we decided to take a nice break at the East Coast Beach .... We Sit at the rock... And day dreamt.. With a strong Wind that blowing our hair.. As i SIngs something to relax... He susguested we should bring extra clothes for swim.. hahaha then we decided to continued to walk at the park ... He asked me to try Roller Blading... hahah Which i dont mastered... He Said he willing to teached me.... but then i still stubborn keep saying i dont want..... =). So SInce that we go eat at MacDonald.... .After eating.. We headed homes straight since he very concerning about my mum that left alone at home... SO we took bus home... When we reached home he said he wanted to borrow using my comp... so i said go ahead then... AFter getting really bored... I wanted to sing... I sing out loud... And after that he joined to fun too... after awhile my dad come back from worked.. Then he wanted to take his leave... so that its.... my Day for today... nothing much.... But Whenever i going out with him theres will be fun.... I hope tomorrow would be a better day for me and my mum... Staying home with her kind of bored... I WANTED A VACATION!!!! hehehe

SO that its..

bye2

*nana*

2008-06-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Hey Good Morning..
Hawww. . ..
Im sleepy...

Today we have a family Day out... Im not active.. I being so no energy.. Its was because i havent eat anything... We go to Sim Lim Square... My sis wanted to buy a camera... so we all just followed..

I done nothing much today... i updating my blog .... Find a disc to copy to my video.. which drives me nuts... i tried my very best... but still cannot.. Haiz.. Btw Im tired these days with the stuff i have to do... Doing my sister a favour by helping her wrapped a box, then must help my dad instored song to his brand new MP4.. And do the video thingy... Event though it doesnt use and Perspirering .. but i use a mental physical which more tiring.. i never give up and keep trying... Holiday kind of bored... Sitting at home and doing chores was so boring...But sometime i do something else..Actually i got alot of stuff that i have to do... But i prefer not to do them so.. hehehe.... Btw I wonder what will my friend look when school reopened will they changed in behaviour?... attitude???.... or more... But i do hope they remain the same.. So of them changes when school closed.. because maybe got alot of problem that they are facing... As human always changes.... I hope they having a great time.... i hope that with new school term .. there will be a good fine day..

I wish to all the best

*nana*

2008-06-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

I m on holiday now..
Today i looked back the pictures in my secondary schools life and primary pictures. When i look those pictures my heart sanked.. Actually after i graudated from Primary I never ever turn back and visit the school.. Deep in my heart i really wanted to come back.. but its like something stopping me to do so... I miss all my friends, Its still freshed in my mind of my friends name. i miss them.

Same goes for Secondary school friends, I remember when im still in Dikir Barat Team. We faced alots of challenges, the most i miss in secondary school life is my Band.My Band was a COP band.. But i remembered we all strived hard to improved. However we faced alots critic comments. Unfortunately, i was all alone a band member in my class there afew but they quit. I remember my first instrument was introduced to me.. I now learned that music cant be sprated from my blood. Now I always dreamt about my band and my primary friends. I miss all of them.. I hope i could turn back all the time. I would like to thanks all teachers that have teached me.. I realised when i grow older I have to learned to let things go.. But this things will be kept closed to my heart. I never forget all of its.

My great Pal Mustapha, primary friend, he admire me.. I wonder where was him.. I do remembered i told him "i hope you will find someone better than me". at that time i cried badly as i told him this.. Where in the world he could be..We meet back during primary 6 reunited, we still good friends we even say maybe we would meet each other for study in the library, after that moment till now i never saw him again.. Its hard to lost a good pal like him.. but then know he have a good life now..

In Secondary, I almost like a quiet girl, i rarely talked. I talked alots to people that i know closed only, im changed since sec three when i cant convince my parent to have turst on me. And its really hurt me. I used to be a obidient girl but after my dad always misjudged me. i change to be a wild girl i became rude and ungrateful child. i know what im done is so wrong, But i do this to get thier attention. I have a great bestfriends and a girl backstab me, from that moment i became even worst. I confornt with her and have a slow talk i know i scold her badly. From that moment i dont believe in "BESTFRIENDS" . But now we a good friend, but i never forget what she have doned to me till now. But in secondary 4 i was all alone.. i got no one.... i was a loner..

Its was because the past teached me alots... Sorry for those who know me as a "innocent girl" but after all i got a darkest history which no ones can feel accept me. I was like a piece of old newspaper that flys in the street being roll over car wet in the rain and dry in the sun. and getting torn here and there slowly i will vanished after time past..

Life of me is dark.. MY heart is red
When i hear the growling dog bark.... im afraid
Holding tights to myself.... nodded down to my body
I cried in the night... when no body hearing..

I hurt myself day and night
when no ones found the scar which in my heart
Stand in smile to all friends
Actually i was throwing its fake to cheer them great
I do cruel things in the actions
Actually i was gulity in person

Im shouting alone when no one hearing
Say out my angers in the air to relief my feelings
Saying this every day till nights
"WIll i be alive tommorrow or i will die?"
"i cant faced your challenges world"
"as im not strong to faced this all"
"however i know i forcing it"
"which im doing is killing me"
" i standing proud with confidence"
"cause i know every challenges"
"makes me even better person"

*Nana*

2008-02-11T00:25:00.000-08:00

Hey today normal day... poor thing that my teachere Mr Lim was hospitalised.It affected our lesson.. but then we still have a great day.

But then i miss someone so much, but is good after all so that i no need for me to put any hope in
him.. I dont want to be a silly person. I missed my life from past years.. since that my life changes alot..untill i bearly remembered what have the past teaches me.

I having a nice begining year, i proud to start it at a good life. I hope new year in 2008 will give me new hope and inspiration and new goals. I do hope some day magical happen.Maybe a long love relationship,friendship and loving family. I do hope some day i could catch up with my lesson.. since my lesson start i can hardly understand.

Kae gtg bye.

Nana

What the reality have teaches me..

2007-12-10T05:59:00.000-08:00

I ever thought that the challenges i faced would become this worse.. This year was one hard reality i have to faced. Im not sure if i could face all this problem by my own however i just did.. I dunno how i could solved this but it still make me feel this year was a year of nightmare.. The first month of this year was the thing i couldnt believe it with my eye.. even though i closed my eye i cant really think whether this was a dream or a reality.. Hard for me to say.. Its like the thing and ppl i love,care are living me by my own.. I need them i really2 love them... how could they live me.. and then my live turns more and more miserble when i lost my best thing of all that i love it more than others stuff its my dearest Clary(clarinet).. That what i called him... And next Losing my band and my first of all friendship that i nvr thought would live me too.. and last there still hunting me its like every thing i have..live me.. I NEED THEM.. But lost a deep friendship with my fren was the Biggest thing i couldnt afford to let go of my mind.. I cried every night when i thgt of my memory wif every each of them that i love...I admit that i cant live without them... but I was lucky to have another fren to lend me a shoulder to lay on and I appreciated them.. And time was the only thing could recovers everything that i faced from begining of this year till going to end of this year.. If u have a biggest problem remember time the only medicine to cure everything..And Time also that teach me the lesson of falling down and get rise once again without the ppl i love..which i done it all by myself.. all the sad,heartbroken,lonely and Other feeling i faced have teach me real meaning of having hopes on ppl...

Farhanah....

Love Hurts

2006-12-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

love is the mysterious poison.. Even black magic and other magics spell can never break Love spell or Love poison.. bcoz love is unbreakable, love only involve two party for relationship .. love can make u adrift.. it could make u crazy over it.. But love poison can nvr wake u up.. if u crashed/mad over at tat person.. and if the person ignore u then u might hurt badly and u can do anything stupid to get tat person.. but when u fall* (*u lost him)u will wake up and tat make u feel u are a silly person.. then u might feel ur life is wasted.and if u think all i talk is nonsense.. this what i was going through b4.. so i m a silly person before.. btw.. love is mysterious.. when u dun noe y the reason u love tat person.. coz love got many reason y.. btw i love someone.. but i cant get his number.. and even his NAME!!!.. but i know when the love is yours u can find it anywhere as long the person u love is alive.. when coincidence is there u will mit ... coz no one noes wat going to happen next... we can plan for the next day.. but no confirmation going to say its going to happen as it was plan earlier.because life not prefect as we always dream. ... and life always challenges u.. such as love and more tat u dun expected..if u dun agree any of my words its ok.. coz its my opinion..and this base on my life experiences i been going through..bye

*nana*